Players and Builders

Especially when you’re in the middle of it, in the field of tension between the two groups. It’s about the “players” and the “builders”. You may already be nodding in agreement or you may have a big question mark over your head. I’ll try an example first, then it will become clearer what I mean.

In kindergarten – an example

Imagine a group of children in kindergarten and a pile of building blocks. Huge chaos, great fun, everyone starts doing something. Even if it seems that way at first glance, not all children play with these building blocks in the same way.

I’m not talking about individual differences in behavior; of course, each child plays a little differently than the others. No, there are, roughly speaking, two groups of children who interact very differently with the blocks and with each other.

And these two groups aren’t always compatible, which often leads to tears and, in extreme cases, deep frustration. The “Players” and the “Builders.” There’s no judgment here—both are good, but both need to be understood.

Most of the children will probably be the “Players.” They play with the blocks and whatever else is available. They build something together, giggle, chatter, and incorporate their dolls or toy cars into the game.

In between, they may throw the blocks around, wrestle a bit, sing, laugh, and then return to the other kids and the blocks. They’re clearly having a lot of fun. They might argue sometimes but have fun again shortly after. It’s all about the group, open to anyone who wants to join.

The classic definition of fun is the priority here. There’s no “higher goal” – it’s all about enjoying the moment. The Players live in the here and now, relishing life. They’re often in a good mood, laugh, and love being surrounded by other kids. They constantly come up with new ideas and are always active.

They also have a magnetic pull on other kids because they’re fun to be around, and they’re usually kind-hearted people.

Then there are the Builders. They seem to have less fun, appearing more serious. They are alone or in very small, closed-off groups. Sometimes it seems like they’re not even participating, just sitting there, watching, observing. And—this is crucial to understand—they’re not playing, they’re building. That’s a key difference. You can play with blocks, or you can build with them.

They have a plan, and they execute it. Not a plan like an architect, after all, they’re still little kids.

But maybe they’ve decided to build a big tower, and so they build a big tower. Often alone because the plan is in their head. Only in their head. Sometimes these kids live more in their heads than in the “real” world. But not always. They build their thing, stick to it, and end up with a tower. Not infrequently, the tallest one the kindergarten has ever seen.

It’s not about having a tower for them; it’s about building one. Not playing, building. Creating. Purposeful. Often alone, because when a Builder has a plan, their whole life energy is focused on making that plan a reality. Exactly as it exists in their head.

Builders often come across as distant, sometimes strange. Or even arrogant. They don’t want anyone to “play” with them. Maybe they’ll allow someone to help build, but definitely not to play. And that’s where the big problems begin.

Both can exist in a kindergarten—Players or Builders, or rather, Players AND Builders. And that’s where the clashes happen. Because they don’t understand each other. They’re children in kindergarten, and children at that age don’t “understand” other kids’ behavior. It’s due to their age. That’s where adults need to step in to mediate. But first, adults need to understand what’s going on.

It’s not uncommon for a Player, in their burst of energy, to knock over a Builder’s tower. Or something might fly through the air and destroy their creation, either before it’s finished or after. Or the Player just wants to join in the fun. But the Builder rudely rejects them, which the Player can’t understand. They want fun, they want friends, they want to play. Why are they causing trouble? They don’t get it. Why can’t they laugh when the tower comes crashing down? It’s not that big of a deal.

And that’s when the trouble starts.

It’s just a silly tower made of blocks—why is the Builder getting so upset? … well, objectively, maybe it is. But what if, in that moment, the tower is the Builder’s entire world? What if that Builder has put all their life energy into this one project? What if the plan, the goal, is their whole life right now? And the Player not only destroys it but laughs about it?

A Player will never understand that. They’re here, there, and somewhere else the next second, always living in the moment. Not in the future, and certainly not in a plan. They won’t understand why the Builder is crying so bitterly, why they withdraw, why they are sad and desperate.

They’ll see the Builder as “weird” for a second, and then their thoughts are already somewhere else. The Player CAN’T understand. It’s not in their nature.

And Builders despair over never “belonging.” They despair that no one sees their effort, no one understands what they’re doing and why. No one sees the sense in their actions. They become outsiders, standing outside while the party is inside.

Now you might say, “well, kids are just different.”

As adults

But it’s not about a childlike behavior pattern that “grows out.” It’s about fundamentally different approaches to the world. And depending on how pronounced they are, they can lead to significant problems later in life.

Not all people exhibit such clear behavior patterns that they can be definitively classified. But some do.

Problems arise when Players and Builders cross paths in the world, whether professionally, privately, or even politically, and are unaware of their core patterns. Many people don’t even know that different core patterns exist. Who has the time in their action-packed life to think about something like that? Builders might, out of necessity. Players, less so. After all, they’re busy with their party and many friends, and life is good for them.

Players and builders in adult life

Adults also have their building blocks. Of course, they’re different, and they don’t look like children’s toys. But the principle remains the same. The distinction between these two groups is never entirely clear.

Players can build things, and Builders can play. There are many hybrids who get along just fine. But there are also those who are more clearly defined, and they can clash like cats and dogs—drawn to each other but repelling each other intensely.

The builders

Here we have the Builders, with a plan or several plans. They derive joy and satisfaction from implementing plans. Building something, creating and maintaining something.

A builder enjoys building a company. He can sit in the office and work 16 hours a day. He can build a house, he can save and invest. He can plan. He can also plan a family or a relationship. Build something.

Sometimes too much, builders often live too much in the future. But they also see it through. Even if what they do seems banal to the observer. They go through with it and then it works. Most of the time anyway. If the others help build it or at least don’t stand in the way.

The players

And there are the Players, who find joy in bouncing around, partying, and spreading good vibes. They also build things, but often not as purposefully. These are often people with lots of friends who love to enjoy life and have fun.

They are the center of attention, don’t take life too seriously and trust that things will work out somehow. They don’t have a great deal of love for firm commitments, and they don’t like to worry about things like “old-age provision”. Someone will pay, somehow it will work out.

Building for the future is boring—it’s tedious, it’s work. That doesn’t mean they aren’t successful. Just look at the world of artists or athletes—there are many Players there. But they’re all playing, not building. Often, they have a Builder by their side. Or Builders have Players by their side. THAT can be extremely successful.

Understanding?

The builders can’t understand the players, because why do they never build anything? Why do they do so much at once and nothing right? Why don’t they stick to the task at hand? Why do you always have to save them because they don’t think ahead themselves? Why don’t they develop? They must understand!

A pure Builder can despair over these questions. Especially when it involves people close to them, like a partner or even their own children. Why doesn’t this person see the seriousness of the situation? Why do they ignore all the good advice, why don’t they build something for themselves?

Why do they waste their time on nonsense, not using it purposefully? Builders always feel like they need to rescue the Players or at least push them through life. And they never get a thank you—in fact, if things go badly, they just get ridiculed and end up standing alone.

The players really don’t understand the seriousness of the builders. Why aren’t they having fun? They have to have fun sometimes, don’t they? Why do they always analyze everything? Why are they so determined? What’s the point? Does everything always work out anyway? Why is he angry again? I haven’t done anything.

The Player won’t put nearly as much energy into understanding the Builder as the Builder does in the other direction, because the Player has far more ways to operate in the world and evade issues. Players don’t analyze; they laugh, mock, and then move on without looking back.

This imbalance can lead to big problems. And to a lot of pain, usually for the Builders. They often feel like Players are toying with them. But Builders don’t know how to play, and they almost always lose.

The Players often have no idea why the Builder suddenly seems “weird.” Why they withdraw or turn into a malicious narcissist and start playing with people themselves.

Spiritual builders

It gets even more complicated if a Builder has spiritual abilities, perceiving many levels, not just the material one.

They are at risk of seeing the Player on every level of their life. And what they see isn’t just the fun, good vibes, and play. No, they also perceive the pain behind it. The Builder perceives it, not the Player! The Player can’t, and never will.

If the builder then reacts to the level that the player doesn’t see at all, perhaps not in his entire life, he only reaps even more incomprehension and even more ridicule.

The opportunities

They are two fundamentally different types of people and each of them is just right the way they are. Neither can be made to change their entire nature. A solution can therefore only consist of understanding the “other side” and categorizing their actions.

The problem and the pain are usually with the Builder, and if you’ve read this far, you’re probably a Builder. So the solution must come from YOU, the Builder. The Player doesn’t see a problem, and they don’t analyze. They do what they do best: play.

The Builder is called upon to understand the issue. To understand the Player’s nature, their own nature, and the problems that arise between them. And then to implement what they’ve understood in daily life.

Changing the way they deal with Players. Because they’re not wrong—they can even be included in the Builder’s plan. Whenever good vibes are needed, or artistic expression. Or when people need to be inspired, brought together.

Players are very good at that. But you can’t put them in too tight of a corset and can’t expect anything from them that they’re not capable of. That may also mean letting go of people who, in their nature, don’t fit with you at all.

Whatever the solution looks like, it always begins with understanding the connections and understanding yourself. Those who know why they react the way they do can work on themselves and design their life so that the people in it work together. And everyone else can be removed.

Feel free to ask me any questions: mail@gerhard-zirkel.com