The evil in me, or: the thing with the shadow parts

“Kill them!” The order left no room for doubt, absolutely none. She was supposed to kill, that was clear. It all started six months ago. This aggression, this hatred that suddenly found its way out of her was impossible to ignore.
Gerhard Zirkel

She had defended herself, fought, and yet the order came from deep within her again and again: “kill them!” … “all of them!”. She was still trying with all her might to suppress this urge, but how much longer would she be able to hold out?

That was easy for them to say, their friends from the meditation circle. “You have to allow light and love”, “you have to bring light into your shadow parts“, “you have to find yourself” … they preached it to her again and again in one way or another. And she wanted that too, with all her might. She wanted to fight what seemed to be brewing inside her with all her strength, suppress it, it couldn’t be allowed.

Her family had already noticed, her husband sometimes looked at her funny when she shouted at her two children out of nowhere. Afterwards she cried, she didn’t want any of this, but she would lose the fight, there was no longer any doubt about that. “Kill them all!” … “Kill them!” …

Even the shaman she had practically stumbled across on Facebook wouldn’t be able to change that. Although, he seemed to have a different view of things than her meditation friends. He spoke about listening to, accepting and integrating the shadow part.

“Kill her!” … but he didn’t know how bad things really were for her either, he seemed to underestimate the danger. How could she integrate something like that? She was about to kill her family and God knows who else. There was no way out. Certainly not.

Nevertheless, she went to him. He couldn’t help her, but he had to realize that not everything was as easy to solve as he imagined in his ideal world of shamans. He would see.

So now she was sitting with him, the first appointment, and what did he suggest? A shamanic journey directly to the shadow. She had told him straight from the horse’s mouth that it was about killing people. “Kill her!” very clearly, even now, as she sat in front of this guy. He didn’t seem to be impressed at all, indeed he would never understand! Didn’t he get it? That he was also in danger.

Apparently not, because he began his work completely unmoved. He would open a “sacred space” and then travel directly to the subject. She should just relax and not worry. No worries?!

She was quickly drawn in by the monotonous sound of the drum, into a state that actually brought her some relaxation, relaxation that she hadn’t had at all in recent months. She hadn’t seen anything during this journey, but the order to kill didn’t come either. It almost seemed as if this voice was just distracted. Should he really be talking to her right now?

Apparently he had done just that, at least that’s what he claimed after the meeting. He would have spoken to this very shadow and it would have been delighted to finally be noticed. The shaman compared it to a child being ignored. It would scream louder and louder until it was heard. “Nice comparison”, she thought to herself, “obviously he still hasn’t got it”. Not a child! No, a voice that forced them to kill. Even if she didn’t seem to be doing that at the moment, strange.

The voice also seemed to fade into the background over the next few days – could the shaman be right after all? She would find out, because the next appointment with him was coming up and she was starting to get curious.

The second appointment was similar to the first, only this time she was to try to get in touch with her shadow theme herself during the drum journey. Easier said than done, she wasn’t really convinced that she could do it. She couldn’t. There was no sign of any shadow or even an evil figure during the whole journey. Instead, she thought of her grandparents, who had been dead for a long time. And she saw a lot of people she couldn’t place. None of them seemed angry in any way, a few of them were visibly distressed, but that was it.

“Probably a flop after all,” she thought after she was seated again. “No shadow, not even anything evil, wherever I was, at least not with anyone who would make me kill.” Nevertheless, the shaman seemed quite enthusiastic. We would be getting closer? Seriously?

He had seen them too, these people. And he explained to her that they were her ancestors. And they all had their issues, they all suffered. Both in the material world and on the level of the soul. And they would hardly have had the opportunity to work through all these things. Other things were more important, wars, hunger, poverty, the near past was probably worse than people imagined the “good old days” to be.

They all carried bad things around with them and had to suppress them in order to function and survive. And such topics would be passed on from generation to generation. She wasn’t at all thrilled to hear all this, what should it have to do with her?

Was she suffering from the experiences of days long gone, but why kill? Was it ultimately a cry from days long past? Was the shaman right? At least the voice seemed to be silent now. And it did the same in the following sessions, in which they worked together to resolve all the issues from old and new times. Much of it was no longer relevant, much of it just wanted to be seen and acknowledged. Slowly, she began to understand.

The earlier “kill her” became the realization that she could kill, any human could. But the pressure disappeared, the compulsion was no longer there. And finally, the ability to kill became as theoretical a possibility as flying an airplane or driving a car. A person can do it if they choose to, but they have the freedom to decide for themselves! Always!

She had understood! She had finally understood. And what opportunities this opened up! She could now look at all the thoughts and dreams and compulsions she had buried deep inside her and decide for herself how and whether she wanted to live them or not.

And the moral of the story?

This example may seem extreme to you. An order to kill is also extreme. However, what I have described in a slightly exaggerated form is an extremely common principle.

Or have you never had one of these “dark”, forbidden thoughts? They are not always those who call for violence. No, quite the opposite. Perhaps it’s even about joy, pleasure, sensual experience or even money and wealth. Or actually about violence, you would by no means be alone in that.

Are you allowed to live out your zest for life? Yes? Even when your family is ill? Ahh … that’s where the doubts come in. “No, then of course not”. And if things aren’t going well financially, are you allowed to spend money? No? Another dark thought, isn’t it?

Have you ever found someone sexy even though you’re in a relationship? Bam! Also a forbidden thought.

Can you take more from yourself than your fellow human beings? Can you be louder than them? Are you allowed to reject people, cancel friendships, dislike people? Can you tell the douchebag that he’s a douchebag?

Are you allowed to be rich, waste resources, be a loudmouth, an egoist? Ahhh … there are a lot of these dark, forbidden thoughts.

And you know what? They’re quite real, but they’re not yours at all. Because your own thoughts are neither dark nor forbidden. Why should they?

No, as soon as these thoughts live a shadowy existence, they are either learned or inherited. And in both cases they can be processed. Which releases a lot of energy in you, because suppressing them all again and again or even living them out secretly drains a lot of your life energy.

Do you recognize yourself? Then write to me. Now.

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